Late Night: My Lovers Thoughts
by ScreamChosen
Summary: Angel is watching Buffy outside her window. Does she know hes there? Oneshot


I hear her heartbeat as I sit outside her window. It's a pleasant 'thuh-thump, thuh-thump' sound. It soothed my being and healed my heart. The heart that had been ripped and torn by this very girl. It had been ripped and torn, yet I travel night after night to her house -to her room- to just smell her, or see her, hell, to hear her heartbeat as she slept. I cant rip her from my heart. Shes imbedded there, like I was branded. Its not fair. And yet, I wanted this for her. Normalcy. Although, she'll never get the normalcy I hope for her, I cannot be her love. She needs to find that in someone other. But then, another thought comes to me; she wont ever love truely. I belong to her, and she belongs to me. Heart and soul. Mind and being. We're soul mates, and if we hadnt found each other, we'd be broken, incomplete, and worst of all; unloved.

Of course, she has the love of her mother and friends, but they can never give her the love I can, the love that I always will give to her. From afar or from right next to her. She has me for as long as we both live. I know she wishes she can have me, and God knows I want her just as badly, but the demon inside me shall not be released. He kills, and destroys, and the one person -thing, being, light- that I do not want damaged -again- is my love. The love of my after life. The one I waited two hundred and fifty two years to find. Her heart is mine to hold and protect, to love and to cherish, and if it became harmed again, I wouldnt ever forgive myself. But she always did, and that gave me the peace of mind I, undoubtably, need.

I can smell her, and all I want to do is reach out and caress her cheek, feel the smoothness, the perfection of the beauty that lay sleeping at the wee hours of the morning. I will have to leave soon, but I want to stay a bit longer. I want to watch her, see her smile in her sleep and know she is dreaming of me. The scent of her -daffodils and vanilla- haunts me as I press my face up against her bedroom window, and put my hand to it, as if we could be connected, even through the thick glass. I know we are. And she knows it too. I don't want her to wake and find me here, but I cant seem to tear my view away from her. It brings a tear to my eye, thinking of leaving her, and retreating to my lonely, cold mansion. But now, I've no choice, and I depart as I hear her call my name.

As I sleep, all I see is him; his angelic features, his beautiful, silky hair, and those eyes, I find myself melting once our gazes meet. Its like kismet, and electric shock telling us both this is so right. But how can it be so right, yet so wrong? I don't understand that. After my years of slaying, my deaths, the lives I saved, why cant I have happiness, and love? He is my love, the only love I'll ever have. I don't care what my destiny has in store for me, I wont face the future without him. When he leaves me, I feel so empty, so incomplete. When we're together, I feel as if half of me was missing, and he was the remaining piece. I know he feels the same. And thats why we cant be together. If he feels whole, another piece of him -a piece I cant retrieve- goes missing, and hell becomes my home.

But I don't care. I want him to get lost in me, and I want to lose myself, feeling him. Feeling him loving me. Damn the curse, and damn the gypsies. Why punish the man, when he is the victim though it all? Why must we both be punished, for what a demon did, centuries ago? It isnt fair that we cant have what we want, what we need, because of a killing spree something that wouldnt even be considered human did? My lover is a good man. Not a demon, not a vampire; a man. When I see him, vampiric form, it fazes me not. I barely notice. Why? Because my love blinds me, and I see nothing but the man that he is, and the man that lay behind the face of an angel. My angel.

Hes so close to me now, I can smell him. I bought that cologne for him. It was a weirdly shaped bottle, but I loved the scent, and now, every time I smell it, all I see is him. All I feel is him. My dream is peaceful; so peaceful, that if I die now, I'll die happy. I'll die thinking of my guardian angel. I know he watches over me. He doesnt think I know, but I do. When I last saw him, we kissed, and I felt those butterflies -the ones I felt when we first kissed- and I fell in love with him all over again. I'll never be normal. I want to be, I wish I could be, but it will never happen. We both know that, but we refuse to believe it. We want the best, and we wish for it, but we wish for different things. He wishes I was normal, and I wish we could be together forever. Something wakes me, and I sit up, staring at the window. "Angel?" I call out to the darkness. I get slowly out of bed and walk to the window. I see the shadow of my lover as he retreats to his dark, cavern-like home. I smile, and put my hand to the glass of my window. I feel him still. I know I'll see him again -possibly later on today-, but my mind is undecided. I smile once more, before retreating to my bed.


End file.
